Hormones are driving me insane
Warning: This post contains adult situations. If you are uncomfortable reading about my thoughts, which can include my personal sexual thoughts, along with adult language; do not read this post. This was written to help ease my mind.
Is it bad to be a college student who will be turning 25 years old in just a little bit less than two months who is still a virgin? Who makes that decision over what is right? Is it biology? Is it my personal beliefs? Is it what society and/or my peers who say if it is bad? I feel that I have been in a constant battle with my hormones raging out of control, what I feel is the right thing to do, and how I see my peers treating the subject of sexual life. This has been stuck in my head all day, because of events that occurred last night.
Scotty's brother, Bryan and his wife Randi, held a Halloween Party at their house last night. I had gone there, and had a great time. I have defiantly had some pressure last night in the area of sex, and I had almost attempted to get laid. Things were going great at the beginning of the party. I was one of the first people to arrive, other then a few others. Throughout the next two hours, more people would so up. For most of the party, I chilled with Scotty, a friend of Scotty's named Charlie, and Scotty's brother in law Ray. Of course, when hanging out with guys, sex always is mentioned. I know that out of those who I know were at the party, I was the only virgin. And to top it all off, most of them are around my age, plus or minus a few months or a year. I was most certain that I was the only virgin at the entire party, except a baby who was there, but that doesn't count. A few of Randi's friends arrived at the party, and the chicks in the group were wearing hot cop and wonder women costumes. As the group of us guys saw, they all made some hints to get me to go over there to attempt to hook up with one of them. I ignored them because morally I want to lose my virginity to someone I have feelings for. This might be what my brain is thinking, but my hormones would want it differently.
After a while, we found ourselfs in the front yard. Randi was trying to get one of her friends to come to the party so he can hook up with a chick friend of hers who was very horny and lonely. While on the phone, Randi gave details to convince him. She came to the party to get laid, she is wearing a sexy costume for the occasion, she had shaved her pussy, she was lonely and really wants to get laid. The entire phone conversation grabbed my attention. As the same time, Scotty and others were talking about how no guy should refuse pussy like that. Randi had failed to convince her friend to come over. I on the other hand, almost tempted to blurt out that I want some pussy in front of everyone. What stopped me? I believe it was the chance of being laughed at, and being embarrassed. The rest of the night, I had questioned if holding back was the right thing. I felt left out. I felt as if I wasn't apart of this club of adults who all have had sex, and I was just an outcast. Is it me? Am I just to afraid of being judged (because of me being overweight) to where no chick would find me hot enough for a one night stand? Should I have joined the club like everyone else has? How does everyone else think about me on this topic? Am I judged already because the fact I have not experienced anything sexual? My mind kept spinning.
While I kept debating what the right thing was to do, I kept thinking if I might have another chance that nice. If I did, how would it go down? how would the others think of me? Who is that horny and lonely friend of Randi's? Everyone seemed to be having a good time. During the party, I had to take birthday cake shots to everyone around. While doing so, I did notice a chick sitting alone, and not looking to happy. She was in a very hot Wonder Woman outfit. Was she Randi's friend? If so, should I approach her? How would I start the conversation? My mind went crazy. I was battling against my hormone urges and what I thought was right compared to how everyone else would think what is right. I bet the alcohol wasn't that big of a help either.
Everyone slowly went home, and I had left the party the around 1:00 am, when the party was almost dead. The drive home was just the same thoughts. This time, it almost felt as if it was thoughts of regrets. I felt as if I had regrets for not attempting to get laid with this friend. I could of talked to Randi on the side to find out who she was. I kept trying to convince myself that there shouldn't be any regrets. It would have felt right at the time of being laid, but I know I would have totally regretted losing my virginity to just a one night stand and not to someone I care about. Yes I am desperate! Yes I am horny all the time. Yes I feel lonely a great deal of times. Yes, I have this crazy sexual side of me inside that just feels like it just keeps building up with more pressure as time goes on. Will I be able to handle this pressure much longer? It is driving me crazy. I think about sex all the time. I admit, I need to get laid! I know it will calm me down, and these thoughts will go away for awhile. Is is worth even trying to have a one night stand?
The thoughts in the last paragraph and throughout this post occur all the time! Why am I writting this? Because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. Yes, I have best friends where I can come to about anything, but I feel that either it will make them feel uncomfortable or they will just pressure me to have sex with someone. On the moral side, you have many people that believe this type of thing should wait till I find someone I care about. What if that day never comes? I feel that this society so much judges the outside and never really ties to get to know the inside. I have this feeling people get disgusted if I talk about these type of things in front of people because I am overweight. All of these things I tend to keep to myself because I don't want to be made fun of, or laughed at, or judged differently. You are probably thinking if you are reading this, why would he think of these. If his friends are truly those who I can go to about anything, why worry? I think its because I don't want to take a chance! Growing up, there have been different periods of times of being made fun of. In Elementary School, I had a bully. In middle school, I was teased on, especially when I was trying to get people's attentions. I was beginning to gain weight in middle school. I was home. I never went outside. The kids at my neighborhood when I moved didn't except me into their group. I was teased. Made fun of for being the new kid in the block. During the summers, I would be kicked on for other reasons. In high school, every so often I would be picked on because of how I was. Having different periods of times of being made fun of, picked on, and being bullied on has really shaped me towards how I react when I am around people. Maybe this type of thing is why I am still a virgin today? Because I am to afraid to act because of being picked on or being judged more than I really need to be. It's funny, so many people joke around about things, and I laugh. Many people say that I have a thick skin, and I can take jokes about myself. I can. And I believe it is because of these days of me growning up with being teased for real, and not joking. AHHHHHHH. Sorry, I meant to have this post as a civilized writing, but now things are just going through my head, and its not going where I wanted it to go.
Back to the virgin topic. Hormones are a natural thing. I understand that. I know everyone has these feelings. I just feel I am left behind. Everyone around be has lost their V-card and a while ago. If feels as if everyone got the memo but not me. Many people will tell me that it is alright to still be pure sexually, but is it really? I look around, and I am alone in my peers in this category. Or I feel that way anyway. Funny. I can see people right now saying dude, just wait. It will be worth it. For the time being, porn and your hand will help you! I really don't think it does anymore. Not since that is all I have had since I was 13. Just porn and my hand.
Alright, so I took a break to regather my thoughts from this weird rant. Logically, I know waiting is the best, for when I do finally lose my V-card to someone I have feelings for, it will be very worth it. Biologically with my hormones, they are out of control and screaming for attention out of desperation. I just need to be strong, and to follow what I believe is right, and not to go based off of how society would judge me. I believe everything happens for a reason, and things will happen they way they are supposed to. Even if it means I need to fight with my thoughts and as you can see, it can be at times hard. Honestly, I am unsure why I am spending my time writing things like this. I guess I have this hope that people would truly read this, and not just people I randomly know or those in the pubic, but those who know me well. Idk, my mind is spinning right now. I am not even sure if these things are making much sence. I am a little stressed right now because of school and the lack of money and pressure of wanting to be on my own and not stuck in what feels as times a prison known as my parents house. That is another topic for another rant, which I have written about many times I believe, especially in my earlier days of blogging. Alright, I am forcing myself off this before I keep writing and stuff. I guess this makes me feel better. IDK.
Is it bad to be a college student who will be turning 25 years old in just a little bit less than two months who is still a virgin? Who makes that decision over what is right? Is it biology? Is it my personal beliefs? Is it what society and/or my peers who say if it is bad? I feel that I have been in a constant battle with my hormones raging out of control, what I feel is the right thing to do, and how I see my peers treating the subject of sexual life. This has been stuck in my head all day, because of events that occurred last night.
Scotty's brother, Bryan and his wife Randi, held a Halloween Party at their house last night. I had gone there, and had a great time. I have defiantly had some pressure last night in the area of sex, and I had almost attempted to get laid. Things were going great at the beginning of the party. I was one of the first people to arrive, other then a few others. Throughout the next two hours, more people would so up. For most of the party, I chilled with Scotty, a friend of Scotty's named Charlie, and Scotty's brother in law Ray. Of course, when hanging out with guys, sex always is mentioned. I know that out of those who I know were at the party, I was the only virgin. And to top it all off, most of them are around my age, plus or minus a few months or a year. I was most certain that I was the only virgin at the entire party, except a baby who was there, but that doesn't count. A few of Randi's friends arrived at the party, and the chicks in the group were wearing hot cop and wonder women costumes. As the group of us guys saw, they all made some hints to get me to go over there to attempt to hook up with one of them. I ignored them because morally I want to lose my virginity to someone I have feelings for. This might be what my brain is thinking, but my hormones would want it differently.
After a while, we found ourselfs in the front yard. Randi was trying to get one of her friends to come to the party so he can hook up with a chick friend of hers who was very horny and lonely. While on the phone, Randi gave details to convince him. She came to the party to get laid, she is wearing a sexy costume for the occasion, she had shaved her pussy, she was lonely and really wants to get laid. The entire phone conversation grabbed my attention. As the same time, Scotty and others were talking about how no guy should refuse pussy like that. Randi had failed to convince her friend to come over. I on the other hand, almost tempted to blurt out that I want some pussy in front of everyone. What stopped me? I believe it was the chance of being laughed at, and being embarrassed. The rest of the night, I had questioned if holding back was the right thing. I felt left out. I felt as if I wasn't apart of this club of adults who all have had sex, and I was just an outcast. Is it me? Am I just to afraid of being judged (because of me being overweight) to where no chick would find me hot enough for a one night stand? Should I have joined the club like everyone else has? How does everyone else think about me on this topic? Am I judged already because the fact I have not experienced anything sexual? My mind kept spinning.
While I kept debating what the right thing was to do, I kept thinking if I might have another chance that nice. If I did, how would it go down? how would the others think of me? Who is that horny and lonely friend of Randi's? Everyone seemed to be having a good time. During the party, I had to take birthday cake shots to everyone around. While doing so, I did notice a chick sitting alone, and not looking to happy. She was in a very hot Wonder Woman outfit. Was she Randi's friend? If so, should I approach her? How would I start the conversation? My mind went crazy. I was battling against my hormone urges and what I thought was right compared to how everyone else would think what is right. I bet the alcohol wasn't that big of a help either.
Everyone slowly went home, and I had left the party the around 1:00 am, when the party was almost dead. The drive home was just the same thoughts. This time, it almost felt as if it was thoughts of regrets. I felt as if I had regrets for not attempting to get laid with this friend. I could of talked to Randi on the side to find out who she was. I kept trying to convince myself that there shouldn't be any regrets. It would have felt right at the time of being laid, but I know I would have totally regretted losing my virginity to just a one night stand and not to someone I care about. Yes I am desperate! Yes I am horny all the time. Yes I feel lonely a great deal of times. Yes, I have this crazy sexual side of me inside that just feels like it just keeps building up with more pressure as time goes on. Will I be able to handle this pressure much longer? It is driving me crazy. I think about sex all the time. I admit, I need to get laid! I know it will calm me down, and these thoughts will go away for awhile. Is is worth even trying to have a one night stand?
The thoughts in the last paragraph and throughout this post occur all the time! Why am I writting this? Because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. Yes, I have best friends where I can come to about anything, but I feel that either it will make them feel uncomfortable or they will just pressure me to have sex with someone. On the moral side, you have many people that believe this type of thing should wait till I find someone I care about. What if that day never comes? I feel that this society so much judges the outside and never really ties to get to know the inside. I have this feeling people get disgusted if I talk about these type of things in front of people because I am overweight. All of these things I tend to keep to myself because I don't want to be made fun of, or laughed at, or judged differently. You are probably thinking if you are reading this, why would he think of these. If his friends are truly those who I can go to about anything, why worry? I think its because I don't want to take a chance! Growing up, there have been different periods of times of being made fun of. In Elementary School, I had a bully. In middle school, I was teased on, especially when I was trying to get people's attentions. I was beginning to gain weight in middle school. I was home. I never went outside. The kids at my neighborhood when I moved didn't except me into their group. I was teased. Made fun of for being the new kid in the block. During the summers, I would be kicked on for other reasons. In high school, every so often I would be picked on because of how I was. Having different periods of times of being made fun of, picked on, and being bullied on has really shaped me towards how I react when I am around people. Maybe this type of thing is why I am still a virgin today? Because I am to afraid to act because of being picked on or being judged more than I really need to be. It's funny, so many people joke around about things, and I laugh. Many people say that I have a thick skin, and I can take jokes about myself. I can. And I believe it is because of these days of me growning up with being teased for real, and not joking. AHHHHHHH. Sorry, I meant to have this post as a civilized writing, but now things are just going through my head, and its not going where I wanted it to go.
Back to the virgin topic. Hormones are a natural thing. I understand that. I know everyone has these feelings. I just feel I am left behind. Everyone around be has lost their V-card and a while ago. If feels as if everyone got the memo but not me. Many people will tell me that it is alright to still be pure sexually, but is it really? I look around, and I am alone in my peers in this category. Or I feel that way anyway. Funny. I can see people right now saying dude, just wait. It will be worth it. For the time being, porn and your hand will help you! I really don't think it does anymore. Not since that is all I have had since I was 13. Just porn and my hand.
Alright, so I took a break to regather my thoughts from this weird rant. Logically, I know waiting is the best, for when I do finally lose my V-card to someone I have feelings for, it will be very worth it. Biologically with my hormones, they are out of control and screaming for attention out of desperation. I just need to be strong, and to follow what I believe is right, and not to go based off of how society would judge me. I believe everything happens for a reason, and things will happen they way they are supposed to. Even if it means I need to fight with my thoughts and as you can see, it can be at times hard. Honestly, I am unsure why I am spending my time writing things like this. I guess I have this hope that people would truly read this, and not just people I randomly know or those in the pubic, but those who know me well. Idk, my mind is spinning right now. I am not even sure if these things are making much sence. I am a little stressed right now because of school and the lack of money and pressure of wanting to be on my own and not stuck in what feels as times a prison known as my parents house. That is another topic for another rant, which I have written about many times I believe, especially in my earlier days of blogging. Alright, I am forcing myself off this before I keep writing and stuff. I guess this makes me feel better. IDK.
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