Looking in the mirror
It is currently 10:40 pm, and I am baking in my room. It is about 82 in my room while it is 73 outside. Of course to help cool me down, i strip down to my boxers. Why not take those off? Just incase someone happens to knock on the door and come in. I got bored at the computer so I went over to lay on my bed (where I am right now). It's too early for bed yet, so I start texting. In the between text time, thoughts just happen to go through my mind. Strangly, circumcision just popped up in there, but more of how my firends feel about it, and how they would react if I randly asked them about it. Other thoughts of everything I have to do this next week went through my head, along with dreams of future adventures.
Now to the point of this post. Next to my bed is my closet. The closet has two rolling doors which have mirrors on them. I started looking at me from a side and man I have to say I feel like a fat ass. I really hate how I look :(. So jello like, and big. When I start to think about it, it gets me feeling pathetic and hopeless. It's strange, since I quite soda back in Jan of 2010, and spent a few months (jan to April) walking almost everyday, I lost 20 pounds. Seeing my weight lower was a good feeling, but when I look in the mirror, I still see the same fat self.
I haven't walked in rutien since August of last year. Since then I have only lost 3 pounds. Man it gets extremely hard to get back on track. With my busy life, it's hard to cook all the time. Fast food is just a short trip away. Now I do have to say I have lowered the amou t of fast food I have eaten when is good.
I want to get back to exercising. I would really like to do jogging but walking is fine. I just don't have ythe time and it sucks. When I do have time it is too fucking hot to go outside. I don't have money to afford going to the gym, and even if I did, I would be to embarrassed to go there. Why would I be embarrassed? I start to think of that, and that has come from a long line of being made fun of in middle school and bullied a little bit in early elementary school days. Because of that, I have this fear of doing things that can cause people to make fun of things that would truly hurt me. One good example of that would be the reason why I have a fear of telling people I am uncircumcised. It's so easy to say in here (mainly because I know most people won't even see this), but also because I can see their reactions to it. Doing things that can cause a make fun of my weight is another example.
The past seven days, I have been taking care of my aunts farm, and while working outside, since it was hot, I decided to wear my a-shirts (aka wife beaters) outside. I would never do that if people were around. After a few days, I got sun burn on my lower neck and shoulders. Man that sucked! I have a major fear of having my shirt of in public or around people because of my size. It sucks! I so want to be skinny enough to the point where I can proudly take my shirt off. It sucks because it is so hard to even lose the weight. Weight loss with a person with a very busy schedule is so hard to do.
Wow, this blog went places. I just took my phone out and started typing. Need to get this stuff out somewhere to get it out of my head. Oh how I wish I could just wish away the grossness fat. I know it's good thy I have lost some, but I need to do more.
I always think my size is another reaso. Why it's hard for me to get girls, which sucks. I'm tired of just writing, so I am going to stop, and try to sleep or something.
Now to the point of this post. Next to my bed is my closet. The closet has two rolling doors which have mirrors on them. I started looking at me from a side and man I have to say I feel like a fat ass. I really hate how I look :(. So jello like, and big. When I start to think about it, it gets me feeling pathetic and hopeless. It's strange, since I quite soda back in Jan of 2010, and spent a few months (jan to April) walking almost everyday, I lost 20 pounds. Seeing my weight lower was a good feeling, but when I look in the mirror, I still see the same fat self.
I haven't walked in rutien since August of last year. Since then I have only lost 3 pounds. Man it gets extremely hard to get back on track. With my busy life, it's hard to cook all the time. Fast food is just a short trip away. Now I do have to say I have lowered the amou t of fast food I have eaten when is good.
I want to get back to exercising. I would really like to do jogging but walking is fine. I just don't have ythe time and it sucks. When I do have time it is too fucking hot to go outside. I don't have money to afford going to the gym, and even if I did, I would be to embarrassed to go there. Why would I be embarrassed? I start to think of that, and that has come from a long line of being made fun of in middle school and bullied a little bit in early elementary school days. Because of that, I have this fear of doing things that can cause people to make fun of things that would truly hurt me. One good example of that would be the reason why I have a fear of telling people I am uncircumcised. It's so easy to say in here (mainly because I know most people won't even see this), but also because I can see their reactions to it. Doing things that can cause a make fun of my weight is another example.
The past seven days, I have been taking care of my aunts farm, and while working outside, since it was hot, I decided to wear my a-shirts (aka wife beaters) outside. I would never do that if people were around. After a few days, I got sun burn on my lower neck and shoulders. Man that sucked! I have a major fear of having my shirt of in public or around people because of my size. It sucks! I so want to be skinny enough to the point where I can proudly take my shirt off. It sucks because it is so hard to even lose the weight. Weight loss with a person with a very busy schedule is so hard to do.
Wow, this blog went places. I just took my phone out and started typing. Need to get this stuff out somewhere to get it out of my head. Oh how I wish I could just wish away the grossness fat. I know it's good thy I have lost some, but I need to do more.
I always think my size is another reaso. Why it's hard for me to get girls, which sucks. I'm tired of just writing, so I am going to stop, and try to sleep or something.
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