I Just Don't Know

     Something is wrong.  I feel like I am in a potential emotional wreck.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't know if I feels sad and want to cry.  I don't know if I should be angry and be pissed at people.  I don't know what to do.  All I know is that I just don't give a fuck to do anything at the moment.  I had 4-H meetings all day yesterday.  Afterwards, I went to Scotty's brother's (Chris) house warming/engagement party.  Scotty and Jane were there, and Jane was not having that good of a time because of Noelle.  Noelle, who we went to high school with and always had a thing for Scotty, is now dating Scotty.  Jane and I both do not agree with them dating.  If they know that or not, I am unsure.  Since Jane was at the party, Noelle had made comments and gave her nasty stares that were not making Jane happy.  Because of that, I decided to go over to the party.  I was tired, and didn't expect to be their that long.  I arrived, and majority of Scotty's family was there.  I for the most part chilled with Scotty, Jane, his friend Bryan Budd, his brother Bryan, and Noelle.  Things were alright, but his brother Bryan began joking/teasing that I was wearing purple.  They kept acting as if purple is a color gay people wear, which is false.  That right there was not that fun.  Of course, I tried to defend it, but most of the group joined in.  Then Bryan pushed more, and brought up my virginity.  He mentioned how they treated me in Vegas (read that blog post) when dealing with my virginity, and he decided to bring that back.  He went too far.  I was upset.  It was upsetting because everyone there are in relationships, married, or have had much experience with sex.  I felt as if I was the laughing stock of the party.  I felt as if they believed I was not one of them...not in a cool I have fucked some club.  It make me feel like an outside.  Sadly, I have no idea how to handle that situation without causing a scene.  I just played along.  I shouldn't have done than.  They know they can get away with stuff like because I let them.  I never know how to handle it.  Its sad.  They never truly even think about how I may feel about the situation.  As you can get from past blog posts, that topic puts me extremely down.  Not even Jane or Scotty stop to think about what I may be thinking.  Only one person mentioned something, Scotty's friend Bryan Budd.  I like Budd.  He is very night, smart, laid back, and cool.  He made a comment on how surprised he is they went there.  He made a joke that they would push me over the edge and I would go on some type of rampage.  I feel too nice to do that.  I wanted to get past that conversation.  I knew it would not end unless I left.  So I moved over to the table to say hi to other people.  I later went back to the normal crowd I was hanging with, then we went over to the trampoline.

     I like to give people a chance to show me themselves.  Not sure I worded that right.  I wanted to give Noelle a chance to show that her and Scotty were good together.  This was the first time I would hang out with them as they were officially together.  I did not like it.  Scotty is great on the trampoline.  He can do some awesome jumps and flips...safely.  Noelle really tried so hard to stop him from going on there.  Jane and I were pushing him to do it.  It is what he does.  She kept trying to give him commands on not to do flips and such.  She is trying to control him.  Jane and I knew this would happen.  She keeps it up, he will get tired of it and she will push him away.  Jane and I so hope that happens.  While we was playing with the kids on the trapoline, Noelle would make very noticeable sexual comments that fully indicated that Scotty and her are fucking.  It was very rude, made everyone uncomfortable, and we think she was doing it to show off.  Right before Scotty when on the trampoline, we handed Noelle his beer, and me his cell phone and keys.  She seemed to take offense that he didn't give her his phone and keys.  I was closer.  I really wanted to say something to piss her off, like Bros before Hoes.  That would of been awesome.  I don't like to start drama, so I kept it to myself.  Later in the party, she should constantly be around Scotty and try to show that Scotty was his, and there was nothing we can do.  It was uncomfortable.  Especially at times when he was talking to me, she would grab him and be close.  This party showed that Noelle is a controlling bitch, and I know they will not last.  People left the party, and I began to realize that it would just be Scotty and Noelle and Budd and his girlfriend there I would hang out with.  I wanted to stay to hang out, but with the way things went, I would be the random person that would be left out of the conversations and such.  I decided to leave.  I said by to everyone and I event went in for a goodbye hug for Noelle to be nice.  She gave a type of hug that was a I don't give a shut hug and just putting a show to be nice.  I was nice at the party, and gave her a chance.  That was it.  Jane was in the front yard and we talked for awhile about the situation before we went home.

    Anyway, the way I was treated last night really put me down.  I feel that no one truly cares about how I feel.  I question why I even waste my time going to places with these people if all they do is bring up my personal situations and make fun of me making me feel as if something is wrong with me.  Next time that happens, I am just going to leave the event all together...to show a message.