Alone...

     Nights at home are the loneliest times for me.  It is the time of day where I sit in my dark bedroom.  There are only a few things that I can truly do: do work (I never do this late), play video games, watch tv/movies, sit at my computer to browse the internet, or just sit/lay around being stuck with my thoughts until I get bored enough to just go to sleep.  Most nights at home end up being sitting at the computer and/or just sitting around being bored.  Everyone in the house is asleep.  It really wouldn't matter if they were awake.  This family isn't close enough anymore where I would consider killing time and making small talk with the parents. Hell, I am more close to my cousins on my mom's side than my parents.  My friends are either asleep or off doing other things, and there normally isn't anyone online that I could talk to that goes beyond just general small talk.  Its funny.  Many people talk about how great social media is to connect to so many people, but there several times to where I believe the internet is extremely lonely. These are the times that I get lonely.  Many people would never think about me being a person who would feel lonely, but those people never truly pay attention to that detail.  Even my best friends have no idea that for multiple nights in a row, I could end up in a more saddened lonely mood.  It is mainly because they are focused on their life issues, and when we hang out they are more open about their life issues.  Now that I think about it, I can not remember the last time I was very seriously asked about how my life is going.  I always tend to be the good listener and the person who tries to help them get through their issues.  Not asking me doesn't mean they don't care or love me as a friend.  It is just something they don't really think about.  

     When I am in this type of mood, which I am right now, the biggest thing I think about is love.  I dream of having someone that loves me.  A special someone that would be there for me.  To comfort me.  A person that I would be able to talk to about anything.  To have a person who loves me the way I am, and pushes me to do the best I can.  Someone to fully support me with everything I do.  Someone who I consider my super best friend.  A life partner.  Have a person who I can connect to emotionally and physically.  Every time I see a photograph posted on facebook of someone with their special someone, or just see any type of image of two people who are passionate about each other just makes me feel even more alone.  When will I be lucky enough to find this person that I can fully share my life with, and to experience their life?  Most of the time, I feel as if I will never get that lucky.  Every once in awhile, I find someone who I think is cool, and I begin to interact with them a little bit (mostly in a class at school).  Of course, with my luck, almost everyone I am interested in ends up having a boyfriend or is married.  Why the fuck are so many people in my generation getting married in their late teens and early 20s?  Way to fast in my opinion.  You don't have to move that fast in life.  I have attempted online dating.  Well, the free sights anyway.  Never any luck.  Only have found crazy chicks or extremely fat chicks.  Alright, so that was probably mean to say, especially since I am overweight (still working on losing).  But I honestly have no interest in overweight chicks that are larger than me.  Major turn off.  Many people say that I am a great person.  I am caring, I am passionate with what I do, and I have a great personality.  Of course, all those people would never think of dating me.  Why?  What is it?  It is my weight/body?  Is it because I am not one of those hot and sexy guys?  I am not sure what it is.  Who knows.  Maybe it is society.  Maybe it is not my fault.  So unsure.  All I know is, I dream of having a special someone in my life to fill this empty hole that eats away at my soul when I am just sitting here, alone, in this small dark room.  No one to talk to.  No one willing to talk to me.  The feeling that no one cares (even though I know there are those who do).  

     I find I get this loneliness at nights that I have not had anything happen for awhile.  I never get this type of feeling while traveling (unless I am traveling with my parents for a long period of time).  I think this is one reason why I love traveling all over for 4-H.  I get to be in that amazing friendly environment to where people really show how much they appreciate you.  I always go to sleep in a good mood (well or in an exhausted mood).  Also night that I am hanging out with friends, I go home and go right to sleep.  I only feel loneliness around friends if my friends are in relationships and their special someone is just all over them, pushing you out of the way.  I also get it when I am with a group where everyone has a special someone, and I am the only one who is single.  I get this feeling a lot when I am drunk as well.  

     In closing, on many nights, I sit alone in my dark bedroom.  Alone with my thoughts.  Alone with no one to keep me company.  No one who seems to want to talk to me to see how I am.  No one to have a fun time with.  No one to deeply connect with.  I feel alone, and there doesn't seem to be any relief (except temperately relief) anytime soon.  Life is cruel to everyone in someway.  This is how life is cruel to me.  Alone...